Thursday, January 19, 2012

Preface, sort of.

On December 7, 2011 (ironically, officially deemed "D Day") I was 1 of 550 that lost their jobs at one of the top educational publishing companies where I had worked for the last 9 years. Although there had been a fairly reliable rumor for about a month prior that there would be possible layoffs, I was still shocked.

I packed up my office, said my goodbyes, turned in my badge, (which was always good for a laugh—a photo of me in a suit with shoulder pads, really–REALLY bad hair, and now admittedly, a hangover) turned in my laptop and headed home. Funny, a million different emotions and thoughts all summed up into a single sentence.

The first few weeks I spent mostly being manic: cleaning my house, job searching, working on projects, making appointments, networking, THINKING, preparing and experiencing the holidays (single, because things weren't fun enough already), THINKING, getting diagnosed with skin cancer, hanging out with friends, and thinking some more. I felt so lost. After doing (just a little) thinking, my thoughts began to change from the past to the present and eventually to the future.

Since all bad things happened to me last year, I also had to lose my job during the winter. Bring on the Seasonal Affective Disorder. I've made very few decisions over the past 6 weeks, but one of them is that on the rare surprise of a sunny day I will make myself venture out and have fun so that the remaining yucky-cold-dreary days can be spent at home, which happens to be my favorite place.

Although a large part of me was upset and disappointed about losing my job, there was an even larger part that was a little bit excited. You see, I loved my job. I truly did. It was everything I needed it to be. I've made great friendships with many of my coworkers over the years so going to work was kind of like hanging out with your friends on a Friday night, minus the alcohol (mostly).

I always thought if I didn't have my job I would pursue my creative side and be a painter, or a writer, or a photographer. I've always had a passion for photography—and I still have my original Minolta X370 SLR camera I got for my fifteenth birthday. I discovered that I like to paint about a year ago after surprising myself with a dozen or so not-too-bad-if-I-say-so-myself paintings. I've always wanted to be a writer, but never thought it was the right time. My writing skills consist of emails, cover letters, facebook posts, texts, chats, (which are hilarious and should be published some day—anonymously, of course) and the occasional technical documentation that's been reviewed and approved by a dozen but read by none. Long story short, I've decided to take this time as an opportunity to explore my creative side and see what happens next.

Welcome to my world. I've decided a blog would be a great way to start writing—to fulfill my need to be creative by writing about my creations, accomplishments, and obsession de jour.

Next up: What's Next?

Severance packages naturally ease the pain of losing your job. In fact, when I was in the HR office and heard the words "I'm sorry, [X Company] is restructuring its operations and as a result certain positions are being eliminated. As a result of this action, your employment with [X Company] will terminate" I was a little (OK, a lot) overwhelmed and I felt my eyes swell with tears. My first thought was "wow! this is the first time I've cried in a long time" and I wanted to stop immediately. I could see the tiny HR lady talking, but I could not decipher her words until I heard the words "severance package" and "separation pay".

I was not eager to sign my severance package because surely they would realize they made a mistake and offer my job back to me. Yea, that didn't happen so I signed it and accepted the fact that I was now among the unemployed. Although I do love a pajama day probably more than most people, being unemployed isn't for me. I need structure, a schedule, someone to tell me what to do, projects to manage, office gossip, daily interaction with my work wife, a crappy cafe (at least the service was always good—not really), weekly pranks or crashing the art & design meeting for free donuts.

No longer having a job kind of makes you think about the future. Pretty much 24/7. What do I want to do? Where do I want to work? Do I want to continue my career in publishing? Do I want to live in Ohio anymore? Do I want to live in a tinyhouse (www.tumbleweedhouses.com)? Can I just sell sea shells by the sea shore? Who am I? OMG, I'm 43 and single and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. What. How does that happen? Well, turns out it happens to a lot of people and after reading the internets (yes, all of them) I've discovered that I am not unique. Many people lose their job at my age. A lot of those people go on to pursue their passions in life and are successful in finding happiness. I don't know the answers to any of my questions, but I do know I've been given an opportunity to do some soul-searching. So that's what I'm going to do.

Google found my soul.
OK, I'm back. I Googled "where's my soul?" and even Google didn't have the answer. Whew! That's good news because when you make a commitment to "soul search", you suddenly become overwhelmed. I'm pretty sure I have a soul, but finding it and not knowing what that even means, sounds big.

6 comments:

  1. very nice... from one writer to another...

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  2. I said it on facebook, but now I must say it here. I'm so excited you started a blog! The world needs more of you in their life. The only people that don't know how much they need you in their life are people that don't know you yet.

    I'm like you. I need structure. It's weird. I don't want people telling me what to do, but it's like I need someone telling me to do something. Or just someone to acknowledge I've done something. The internet is good at pushing me. For all the acknowledgement for my work I don't get at work I get from the internet. (That makes me sound weird and needy...maybe I am.)

    Anyways, I'm happy you have a blog! I'm excited to see more of you here on the internets.

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    1. Thanks so much Kasey! The world needs more of YOU to inspire more people like ME. You're awesome and keep on doing what you do—it makes me happy and encourages me to do stuff.

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  3. Love it! Keep it coming and good luck on your journey. :-)

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  4. I think I'm about to learn something, so you have to keep writing. This is good stuff.

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  5. I must appreciate your way of expressing your self. I can not say I understand your situation completely but I can feel the waves. I have been to similar situation in life and its very tough faze to get over with when you need to figure out WHAT to do in life?

    I have started my blog too. Its all about photography and I am sure this blog thing will give us more in life.

    I will be pursuing my career in photography and since you are one of the keens you can guide me when I need you.

    I do not write as well as you do but writing few captions for my photography is okay for me.

    be in touch ...

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